Saturday, February 5, 2011


As of right now, I’m lost and confused. It mostly has to do with myself, my connections back home and in Irvine, my relationships, friendships, and everything in between. I am lost on where to go from here on out. It feels as if I walked onto a minefield and knew where all the bombs were ahead of me, but now I’m in the center of it all and I forgot where the bombs were placed. I’m scared one might just explode, probably because many already have exploded, but I survived.


Just because I’m lost doesn’t mean I’m lost forever. A friend once told me that the best time to find one’s self is when one’s lost. The best people, the greatest leaders, the strongest survivors, were all once lost in the greatest woods of all, their own minds filled with trees that bear the fruit of doubt.

My friendships, ones that I never doubted before, I doubt them now. Are they really my friends? Am I the best friend that I can be? Do I complete them? My head spins as I think of the endless questions that I can barely answer.

My writing has sort of gone downhill during midterms week, but I’m planning on picking it up this week since the tests that eat more than lead and ink are done with. I’m going to pick up an old work of mine that was put on hiatus for a while, read it, and then finish it hopefully. Also, I’m going to attend to commenting on everyone’s blogs again too.

As for relationships, I’ve been falling in and out of crushes here and there. I thought I found the right girl for me, but turns out she’s in a world of other things.  I found out that the thing I love about a girl most is her imperfections, because in all seriousness, perfect is boring. Imperfections and insecurities are what make a person beautiful in the end. However, just because I found a few things, doesn’t mean I found them all. Finding the right person is a waiting game and so I’m going to just wait until I find myself some more.

Lastly, school has kind of been a lot of fun and a lot of chaos with homework, clubs,  class, and interviews. I’ve met a lot of new people, figured out some of the clubs I click with, drowned in homework, and got interviewed for a few jobs here and there. I survived most of what was thrown at me. Still looking for a job, classes are slightly boring and filled with reading, and the clubs can be really extreme (both in a good and in a bad way).

So, I’m still lost on what to do with everything and kind of don’t know how to react to it all, but I think I’m going to take the advice of another friend and just take it a day at a time. Step by step, I’ll remember how to get out of the minefields and the forests. I’ll survive with a few scars here and there, but survive nonetheless.


trixiefishstabber said...

I did not know one could be lost and be so honest at the same time.

Jemi Fraser said...

Sounds like you're going through the down part of the roller coaster ride. Best to just sit back and take some time to relax and prepare for that uphill swing. Don't put too much pressure on yourself - take it one thing at a time and make sure you're finding the joy in the little things. Take care.

The Musician said...

What are you trying to find about yourself? There has to be a specific thing you're looking for or else you'll be lost in a sea. You can never truly find yourself, because we will die before we can become who we actually are. Besides can anyone ever truly know who they are? Or do we just become what we think people will perceive us to be? If you're trying to find out who you really are, then I hate to break it to you, but you're never completely going to find out who you are until you've reached that spiritual level of self understanding. Try to find out the things about yourself that are relevant, and build on those. In that way, you can improve who you are as a person, and who you are as an artist.
Music > Writing
For artistic expression anyway

Adrian Paul said...

Oh that totally sucks! Sounds like your doubting yourself a lot. Cheer up! It's a New Year you need to make yourself happy. You deserve to be happy! Go out there and have fun. To get your mind off things. When your lost it's great to think about things but sometimes people get so lost in their emotions that it's hard to find ways to bring yourself out of it. It's true to not pressure yourself and to take things one step at a time but that's for a people in rehab or getting over someone you were together with for a really long time.

What I feel like you should do is find inspiration! Read about other people, get other peoples opinions on THEIR life, friendships and relationships. Find inspiration in reading and it can help get over your struggles with your writing. Don't take yours too seriously right now. There's no reason to fret about it. So maybe they can inspire you to find new friends, find new relationships, broaden your mind and maybe you can look at life more optimistically and maybe you'll see your friends really are your friends.

I don't know. Maybe i'm just talking out of my ass. LOL. Love your blog btw. Very nice writing!

Kaleidoscope Girl said...

Not all those who wander are lost.

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