As of right now, I’m lost and confused. It mostly has to do with myself, my connections back home and in Irvine, my relationships, friendships, and everything in between. I am lost on where to go from here on out. It feels as if I walked onto a minefield and knew where all the bombs were ahead of me, but now I’m in the center of it all and I forgot where the bombs were placed. I’m scared one might just explode, probably because many already have exploded, but I survived.
Just because I’m lost doesn’t mean I’m lost forever. A friend once told me that the best time to find one’s self is when one’s lost. The best people, the greatest leaders, the strongest survivors, were all once lost in the greatest woods of all, their own minds filled with trees that bear the fruit of doubt.
My friendships, ones that I never doubted before, I doubt them now. Are they really my friends? Am I the best friend that I can be? Do I complete them? My head spins as I think of the endless questions that I can barely answer.
My writing has sort of gone downhill during midterms week, but I’m planning on picking it up this week since the tests that eat more than lead and ink are done with. I’m going to pick up an old work of mine that was put on hiatus for a while, read it, and then finish it hopefully. Also, I’m going to attend to commenting on everyone’s blogs again too.
As for relationships, I’ve been falling in and out of crushes here and there. I thought I found the right girl for me, but turns out she’s in a world of other things. I found out that the thing I love about a girl most is her imperfections, because in all seriousness, perfect is boring. Imperfections and insecurities are what make a person beautiful in the end. However, just because I found a few things, doesn’t mean I found them all. Finding the right person is a waiting game and so I’m going to just wait until I find myself some more.
Lastly, school has kind of been a lot of fun and a lot of chaos with homework, clubs, class, and interviews. I’ve met a lot of new people, figured out some of the clubs I click with, drowned in homework, and got interviewed for a few jobs here and there. I survived most of what was thrown at me. Still looking for a job, classes are slightly boring and filled with reading, and the clubs can be really extreme (both in a good and in a bad way).
So, I’m still lost on what to do with everything and kind of don’t know how to react to it all, but I think I’m going to take the advice of another friend and just take it a day at a time. Step by step, I’ll remember how to get out of the minefields and the forests. I’ll survive with a few scars here and there, but survive nonetheless.